Ah Labor Day…it meant so much more when I was still a working stiff.
Instead, your correspondent, Yutzi, found himself on the coast of our beloved New Hampshire enjoying that last meal of summer: the lobster roll.
But you know what really sticks in my claw? You see what I did there? Claw? Marvelous…Anyway, can anyone tell me why you can’t find a goddamn lobster roll for under twenty bucks? WHY?
Back in Yutzi’s heyday, the lobster roll was considered the poor man’s turkey sandwich. With only three low-rent ingredients- hot dog bun, lobster and mayo- even a flappy-armed lunch lady could slap one together and call it a meal for five clams.
So, how do these three humble ingredients now end up being $19.99? Well, I spent the last week investigating and have found the causes of inflation:
1. Using more than three ingredients…stick the the script, you bunch of tutu-wearers.
2. Something called Himalayan pink salt…I think my last escort used that in her bathwater, or was that her name?
3. Acts of oxymoronic, culinary delusion: artisan hot dog bun, organic lobster, gourmet mayonnaise. For the sake of my sanity, can someone point me to an inorganic lobster?
4. McDonald’s no longer serves the McLobster. Boy, oh boy, were those the best! If the Hamburgler needed a lobster-lovin’ sidekick, sign me right up!
So there you have it. The beloved lobster roll is no longer affordable to anyone without a beret or a mustache. So, like your white shoes after labor day, say good-bye and order a peanut butter and jelly sandwich before those too fall into the greasy subway-pole hands of beatniks and hipster youth and set you back twenty bucks. Yeesh.