A review of ASKA
You know, for someone as light in the loafers as my son Robbie, he sure seems to have an iron constitution. I know this, because it was his fault that I ended up at Aska, the latest “sensation” / stunt-food emporium in the Brooklyn restaurant scene. Locally sourced, hand-picked, sustainable, forward thinking, yet nostalgic, $65 a person, 7-course Scandinavian, free-range grass-fed neo-Nazi albino chicken, swamp weeds, and fjord discharge served on pottery made by Pine Tree Mary.
We were seated at a table surrounded by bearded men and their equally hirsute women. A waiter appeared and dropped an “amused bush” on our table: dried pig-blood cracker with sea urchin foam. That sounds like something Thor would scrape off his knee. Safe to say, this amused Robbie’s bush more than it did any part of me. In one movement, he golf-clapped his hands and shoved the whole rusty looking thing into his mouth, like the world’s girliest Viking. Inside, I was already sharpening my battle axe.
“Are we really paying to eat this?” I asked as he chewed. Robbie’s smile quickly faded as he actually tasted the cracker.
“Yes,” said Robbie, spitting the cracker into his napkin, “this is one piece of meat I refuse to swallow.” He grabbed for his wine and gargled. “That was horrible.” Now, I was amused.
Hungry, we waited for the next course. A sommelier walked over and presented us with a cabbage and beet juice cocktail to pair with our next dish, pig trotter. Cabbage juice? Pig trotter? I’m pretty sure that was the last Exacta I hit at Aqueduct. But I’ve learned something valuable: if you want to clear out a room, just let some cabbage and beet juice work its brown magic on ol’ Yutzi’s insides. Works faster than a fourth scotch.
Anyway, I think you’re sensing the trend here. Four more dishes followed with unidentified lumps of meat and vegetables. Some of it was actually tasty, but I wouldn’t be surprised if I ate walrus and some lichen at one point.
But hey, if surviving all 7 courses at Aska gets me into Valhalla with those big blonde broads in the breast plates, it will have all been worth it.